You know you’re a writer when… what a load of tosh

There appears to be a rather popular trend out there of people making trite little cards which start with ‘You know you’re a writer then…’ and then finishing with some pithy little statement which no doubt makes the kind of people who approve of such things titter in amusement, probably while coyly covering their giggles with a delicate hand.

Whenever I see these, I either want to cringe or vomit, but rarely bother responding, because we all know it’ll just end up in a reference to Nazis (was that some kind of pre-emptive Godwin’s law?).

However, I thought I’d take to the time to list a few of the biggest humdinders here, and explain while they’re such a pile of tripe (and I have a dog, so I know how stinky tripe is):

You know you’re a writer when…

…deleting whole paragraphs of your manuscript is the emotional equivalent of stabbing yourself in the chest repeatedly.

Quote the opposite. The less you have written, the more attached you are to each word, and the harder it is to cut the waffle. The less experienced you are, the better you think your writing is, and the more precious you are about it. Deleting a whole paragraph? Give me a break. You should be doing that to warm up. The sign of a seasoned writer is one who can cut an entire chapter, nay, half a book, and just shrug.

You know you’re a writer when…

…You absolutely can’t write anything down unless it’s with that pen,  no matter how good the idea is.

Clear sign of a non-writer, becoming obsessed with irrelevant details when there are far too many important things to remember, including: fleeting ideas, the exact colour and texture of the leaves that carpet the forest floor at the beginning of November, birthdays of an entire cast of characters, whether you’ve already mentioned the knife sheath pattern, time of day for each scene, character motivations, what makes a character stand out, twists etc. etc. etc. If you’ve got time to spend worrying about which pen to use, you probably don’t have the brainpower to write a novel.

What this is actually a sign of, is obsessive compulsive disorder, which – while possibly a common symptom of writers, does not actually signify one.

And why on earth would anybody be using a pen to write? This isn’t the middle ages.

You know you’re a writer when…

… you remember the backstory of all your characters, but you’ve yet to write down a single one.

The clues are all there in this one, if you think about it. What this person is, is a daydreamer. To be a writer, you have to write things down. It’s not rocket science.

So, now that I’ve laid into example of what a writer clearly is not, perhaps you’d like my view on how you really can tell if you’re a writer?

It’s very simple. You’re writing.